Picture this: You are surrounded by family. Grandma, grandpa, partner’s relatives, etc. They excitedly come up to greet you and your family. Physical affection holds a high value in your family. You always greet and say good-bye to one another with hugs, and sometimes kisses to the cheek. So it makes sense that Grandma wants to give your little one a kiss, or maybe it’s your partner’s uncle or aunt that you or your child don’t know very well. Or maybe you are getting a photo of your child with Santa Claus.* But your child seems to shy away from these interactions. You want to insist, “Just go hug Grandma, what’s the big deal?” For your child’s safety and the safety of others, please don’t. Here’s why – and what to do instead.

With the holidays fast approaching, your child will likely be in many social situations with extended family and close friends. These adults might feel they know your child because they have been following their life story since birth. But the truth is, your child does not share the same sense of familiarity with these folks. In these situations, just as in others, it is important to support your child’s body autonomy.  

What is Bodily Autonomy?

Bodily autonomy is the right for each individual to make decisions about one’s own body without coercion or interference from others. This extends to touch – deciding who and when someone gets to touch.

As such, one of the most important things we can do for our children is to teach them that their bodies belong to them alone, and they get to decide who touches them and when. When we insist our children hug or kiss someone when they don’t want to, we are teaching them to allow social expectations to override their own feelings about touch. This makes children more vulnerable to sexual exploitation now and in the future. When you allow your child to say, “no” to grandpa, auntie, or whomever they choose not to hug in the moment, you are teaching your child that, “NO” has meaning. You’re teaching them that their wishes about their own body should be respected. Your child will carry this exception into other settings and feel more confident saying, “NO,” when it may matter a great deal that they do.

Teaching your child that their body autonomy will be respected is also consistent with the message you are trying to teach about respecting others. “Keep your hands to yourself”, and “Don’t hit, pinch or otherwise touch people who do not want to be bothered,” will carry more weight when your child’s own wishes to touch or not be touched are respected.

Exceptions to Unwanted Touch

Are there exceptions to this? Of course.  Here is an easy way to think about it. Touch between two people should happen when 1) they both want it or 2) someone’s health or safety is at risk.

Is it OK to grab your child’s arm to prevent them from running into the street?  Of course – their safety is at risk.

Is it to hold your child’s arm to prevent them from hitting you or someone else when they are having a tantrum? Of course, someone else’s safety and body autonomy is at risk.  

But when no short-term health and safety risks are at play, please respect your child’s “No”. You are teaching them to expect respect with regard to their own body. By extension, you are teaching them to respect the bodies of others.

Respectfully Refusing Unwanted Touch

In the meantime, what do we do about poor Grandpa who just wanted a good-bye hug? How do you get out of this social situation with everyone’s self respect intact? First, let’s look at a few reasons your child might be rejecting that hug:

1. Your child is grumpy and out of sorts, and for some reason, just doesn’t really feel like being touched right now.
2. Your child is angry about something that occurred between him and grandpa, and this is his way of expressing that feeling.
3. Your child does not want to leave and is dragging out the good-bye ritual in hopes of being able to stay.

The first thing to do when your child is refusing a hug is to offer an alternative. Asking the child, “How about a high five?” or “Would you like to blow him a kiss instead?” When your child is just not in the mood, this is likely to be accepted. The bonus: a new way to say good-bye has been learned.

If your child is upset with the person asking for a hug or upset about the idea of leaving the alternative, good-byes may also be rejected. That’s okay. You are teaching your child it is okay to express their feelings as long as no one gets hurt. Refusing to say good-bye is a pretty harmless way for a young child to express their feelings.

So if your child still refuses, if they hang their head, or hide behind you, offer a simple, “maybe next time,” and move the child towards the door.  You are letting them know that their bodily autonomy will be respected but will not change the full outcome. It is still time to go. Maybe next time they will make a different choice, but for now, their choice has been respected. In the long run, that interaction could make a world of difference.

*A Few Words About The Big Guy in the Red Suit

Santa is a fantasy figure who seems to be everywhere this time of year.  Many children love the sight of Santa and are eager to sit on his lap and disclose their secret Christmas wishes.  Other children treat him as they would any stranger, with a bit of trepidation.  These children may be willing to talk with Santa but are not eager to sit on his lap.  Still others find this guy terrifying.  His face is obscured by a massive amount of white hair, and he dresses funny.  No way, no how are they getting near that guy.  However your child reacts to Santa, please be respectful to your child and Santa. Teaching your child to respect their own sense of how close to get to a new stranger is way more important than that cute photo you were hoping for.

If you would like more tips on helping children manage challenging behavior, I am available for consultation. I have worked with many parents, teachers and therapists over the years helping to find solutions to complex issues. A free 15-minute call can help determine the next best steps.