Why do ‘pandemic babies’ still struggle with limits?
I have been pondering a lot about how the COVID shutdown impacted children the way it did. Why is it so difficult for shutdown-born children to manage their emotions? Why do they have such a hard time with the word NO? Why are they tantruming over so many seemingly trivial things?
I believe at least part of the answer lies in the transition from infancy to toddlerhood.
For many families, the baby’s first year under the COVID shutdown went pretty well. The slower pace of life allowed for more time to relax and bond with their baby. Less shuttling about meant schedules could align with baby’s natural body rhythm. All of this very positive for early attachment and security. But many of these families are now coping with 4, 5 or 6 year old children who can’t hear the word NO without a meltdown. So what went awry?
The First Year of Life
During the first year of life, a baby’s wants and needs overlap almost completely. Infants only really want what they need. When an infant expresses need/want, through crying or fussing, the parent flips through the short list of things the child might need: Food? Comfort? Clean clothes? A nap? And because the infant is incapable of meeting any of their own primary needs, it is completely appropriate that every time the infants cries, an adult responds by figuring out what they need and giving it to them. This exchange, “I express want, you fulfill, I return to a state of calm,” is an essential part of parent/child bonding. It is also time-limited.
During the first six months, there is an almost 100% overlap between baby’s wants and needs. In the following six months, as the baby’s ability to explore the world expands, they might begin express a want for something that would not be healthy for them to have: Mommy’s glasses, Daddy’s cup of coffee, or maybe a fist full of the dog’s hair. But usually, the child is simply looking for something new to explore, and a substitute item is quickly accepted.
When Toddlers Want
Substitutions no longer suffice in toddlerhood. As mobility and autonomy develop, a toddler often has desire for things they do not need. Not just, “I want something new to explore,” but “I want THAT!” And based on life experience so far, they believe it is the parent’s job to deliver it.
A shiny, sparkly object that catches the toddler’s attention can feel like a very great need. A toddler may cry, fuss, or find some other means to express desire for said item, but it might not be necessary or appropriate for the parent to respond by giving the toddler what they want.
This is quite an adjustment for both the toddler and the caregivers. There is no longer near 100% overlap between want and need. And there is no longer near 90% percent overlap between child expresses want, parent fulfills it. Increasingly, it becomes the parent’s job to say “no.”
How the COVID shutdown complicated this development
The COVID shutdown complicated this process for many families. It may be one of the big reasons COVID babies struggle with emotional regulation. To understand how, let’s examine the case of the toddler and the shiny object.
Let’s pretend that this bright, shiny object is something the toddler sees in a store. Perhaps you brought the child to the store to pick out a gift for someone else, and your toddler spies something new and interesting looking. “That!” The little toddler’s brain light up. “That, I want —I must have THAT!” Let’s say “that” is something that the parent has the power to give the child. A plastic tiara, perhaps. “So cute,” says the parent, “Sure, I’ll buy you that.” The scenario plays out very much as this parent/child pairing is used to. Child expresses desire, and the parent grants their wish. Life goes on. The toddler brain thinks, “I was right, I needed that. I got it. I felt better. Life is good. Parents give me what I want and I feel better.”
Now suppose that object the toddler fixates on is beyond the parents’ ability to grant. It is too big, too pricey, or too inappropriate for a child of this age. The parent says, “no, I’m sorry, I can’t give that to you.” The child cries harder. “No, sorry, can’t give it to you,” the parent repeats. The child cries harder, convinced that their happiness and perhaps their very life is dependent on acquiring that object. I need “THAT!!!” And because love and service are so closely tied in infancy, the toddler may even conclude, “They are not giving me what I need. They do not love me anymore; I’ve been abandoned, I am on my own.” The toddler cries harder, and perhaps they throw themselves on the ground trying to make the parent understand how vitally important it is that they GET THAT OBJECT RIGHT NOW. But remember the parent CAN’T, even if they wanted to—they simply cannot grant the child their wish to possess that object. And so, the weary parent and despondent child leave the store without the coveted item.
The child continues to cry for awhile but eventually calms and becomes interested in other things. The little toddler brain learns, “My life did not depend on that after all. And here is my mother offering snacks and a snuggle. I am loved. Perhaps all is right with the world after all. And after many of these experiences the child begins to accept “No” more gracefully.
And after a few experiences with, “I can’t give you that,” a parent may be more comfortable and confident with, “I’m not going to give you that.” Both parent and toddler gain experience distinguishing between want and need and learn that not every want should be indulged.
What changed during the shutdown?
During the pandemic shutdown, the opportunities to encounter a hard “no” were more limited. Children rarely went to the grocery store, the toy store, a friend or neighbor’s house, all places full of things the toddler wants but cannot have. This gives caregiver and child both a lot of practice saying and accepting NO.
In a home or daycare environment, a child is surrounded by “yes” objects. Many families and day care providers keep things the child cannot have out of sight to minimize conflict. A great strategy in normal times but one that may have backfired during the shutdown. Without the opportunity to see things and desire things they cannot have, a child may not learn to distinguish want from need. Parent and child both may continue to confuse indulging desire with meeting a need.
Without the practice in saying and receiving NO that comes with just being out in the world, a child may slowly morph into a little tyrant. I think this was especially true with parents who needed to work from home. “Giving my toddler what they want will calm the crying down and allow me to get back to work.” Maybe parent said, “NO,” and the child was going through the anguish of not getting what they want. They yell, they cry, they scream. The Parent gives in. Perhaps the issue is the color cup offered with breakfast.
Tot: “I want the green one.”
Parent: “I’m sorry, it’s dirty. Here’s the red one.”
Tot: “I want the green one. I need the green one. My life will be over if I don’t get the green one!!!!”
Parent: “Oh, for heaven’s sake. I’m supposed to be on a zoom call. They’ll never be able to hear me with that going on. They will think I’m a terrible parent. OK. I’ll wash the green cup. Here it is.
Toddler learns: If I keep screaming long enough, I will get my way. Right order has been restored to the world.
But the happy reset that comes with getting a desire indulged is not the same calm that comes from having a need met. The tot thinks, “the shiny object is not as shiny as I thought it was. The green cup doesn’t really make my juice taste better.” Dissatisfaction quickly returns, and the child looks around for another demand to make.
But the sad truth is, even the toddler knows this is wrong. The toddler brain is thinking, “This is not the way the world is supposed to work. I’m not supposed to be in charge of everything. Getting what I demand does’t make me happy for long, but I don’t have any other strategies, so I’ll make an even more outlandish demand.” The parent gives in, and the cycle continues.
Closing Thoughts
Finding a way out of this cycle is crucial. Learning to accept “NO” is an important part of social and emotional development. It builds autonomy, flexibility and resilience. As the child grows, it allows them to balance their own desires with the wants and needs of others. All very important for building a strong sense of self and learning to get along with others. And isn’t that a goal worth struggling for?
For more thought on limit setting check out this podcast I made with Alex Dutton, director of Old Firehouse School in Lafayette.
If your family is struggling with limit setting and emotional regulations, do reach out. I provide both parent consultation and play therapy services. A free 15-minute call can help determine the next best steps.