Do you remember the famous Winston Churchill quote “Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others that have been tried.” The same can be said for joint custody.
Joint custody is the worst possible choice for children with divorced or separated parents, except when you consider the other choices.
Stay in an unhappy, tension filled marriage? Not good for the kids. Sure, most children would prefer to live in one house with both parents in contented marriage with one another. All attempts to rectify marital problems in order to stay in the marriage should be made. But when it becomes clear that the marriage is over, it is in the children’s best interest for parents to build separate, happier lives.
Eliminate one parent from the picture in favor of the other? Also not usually in the child’s best interest. Children have both a legal and an inherent right to contact, support, and guidance from both parents. Unless there is a compelling reason to limit a parent’s access to his/her children, a court will grant both parents equal access, equal time, and equal say. In other words, joint custody.
In most cases when parenting partners cannot also be marriage partners, joint custody is the best option. But this doesn’t mean it is easy. Joint custody can be very difficult for children. This is true if the parents separate when the child is very young and cannot remember a time before two homes. This is true if the parents separate when the child is an adolescent and has only a few more years at home. And this is true at every age in between.
Let’s look at some of the most common problems children have with joint custody and how parents can ease those problems:
Divided loyalty
Your children need to know it is OK with you that they like, respect, and love the other parent. Make this the basis of every interaction you have with, or about, your former partner. For children, the developmental milestone of differentiating, of creating a “self” separate from the parents, is not complete until well into adolescence or early adulthood. Before that milestone, your child will hear every thing you say about your former partner as if it were about his/her own self. If you say, “Your dad is a compete jerk,” the child hears, “You are a complete jerk.” If you say, “Your mom cannot be trusted” your child hears, “You cannot be trusted.” Never say anything about a child’s parent that you would not say about the child.
If your child brings up conflict they are having with the other parent you can avoid going negative by staying with the child’s feelings. Here’s an example: John is waiting for his dad to pick him up to go a baseball game. John has been anticipating the game since he woke up. Dad is 15 minutes late. John’s excited face is starting to droop and wonders if Dad is going to show up. Meanwhile, you are frustrated because you were counting on John’s dad to be on time so that you can attend to other errands. The disappointment and unreliability is all too familiar to you from your marriage to John’s dad. John begins to whine, “When will he get here? We’re going to be late.” You are tempted to say, “That’s your dad for you. He is so irresponsible! He never thinks of others!” But you remember that John may instead hear your words as, “You are so irresponsible! You never think of others!” So you refrain from your initial reaction and instead stick with John’s feelings. “It’s really hard waiting. You have been so excited about this and now you’re worried it won’t happen.” Maybe Dad shows up in a few minutes and whisks John away. Maybe he doesn’t. Either way John knows he can count on you.
You may be still thinking, “My ex is always speaking negatively about me. I’ve got set the record straight. I need to provide a more balanced picture for my child.” No, you do not. If the other parent is not taking the moral high ground, that is all the more reason for you to stay on it.
Transitions
Here’s a familiar scenario for every parent who has experienced joint custody. You have not seen your children for a few days. You are excited and happy they are coming home. You are making their favorite dinner. But as soon as they walk through the door everything falls apart. The little one is whining that he hates what you are cooking. You ask the older one for help in setting the table. She acts like you just asked her to clean the toilet with her tongue. Your joy has turned quickly into frustration and anger. It is almost universal at this moment to blame the other parent. “He’s too strict. That’s why the children fall apart when they get home. They haven’t been allowed to express any feelings for days.” Or, “He’s too lenient with the kids. There is no disciple at his house, that’s why the kids are a mess.” No and no. The children are a whiny, clinging, uncooperative mess, not because the other parent is bad or doing something wrong. They are a whiny, clingy, uncooperative mess because transitions are hard.
Every transition feels like a rejection to your child. The last time you saw your children you rejected them and sent them off to be with The Other Parent. Now they have been rejected by The Other Parent and are back with you. That’s a lot of rejection. And then there is the practical issue of needing to shuttle from one household to the other. Your child may have had to cut a playdate short or end an activity she was enjoying in order to return to your care. That is likely to impact mood.
Here’s what you can do to help:
- Don’t blame yourself, this is not about you, it is about joint custody.
- Don’t blame The Other Parent, it is not about them, it is about transitions.
- Don’t over book yourself or your kids during transition time. This is a good time for easy dinner and low stress activity.
- Do limit distractions during the first hour or so when your children are back in your care. Avoid being preoccupied by the phone or with email. It is a good time to be available for the children but with the knowledge that it may not be necessarily a fun or easy time.
- Do accept whatever feelings your child displays. If he is happy and excited about an experience he just had with the other parent, be happy and excited with him. If she is grumpy and out of sorts, simply notice and acknowledge their feelings.
- Don’t pepper your child with questions. Children are often conflicted about how much to share. Asking questions puts them on the spot and can feed into the divided loyalty problem. “If I admit I had a good time, will Mom feel sad and rejected?” “If I talk about a problem, will Dad think Mom is a bad parent?” Avoid prying. Instead, share a bit about what you did while your child was away if you like. Be interested and available.
- Do keep a few simple, clear limits in place. Children often bump up against limits when they return from one home to the other. It is a way of asking, “Can I count on you?” A complex system of rules sets up plenty of opportunity for power struggles but a few, simple to understand, and applied guidelines help child feel safe and secure. Your children deserve to feel safe and secure. Whichever home, whichever parent they are with.