As the family crosses a large field one child begins running way out ahead of the others. The distance begins to make Mom nervous. “Stop” Mom yells. The child continues to run a few more paces before beginning to slow and turn toward her mother. I can hear the scold coming, “That wasn’t fast enough. I need you to Stop when I say stop.” But that’s not what happens. Instead, the child hears “Good listening, thanks.” Thumbs up Mom, good parenting!

Too often, I was the parent nagging my children about the 10% of the chore that didn’t get done, rather than noticing the 90% that did. That’s the way I was raised. That’s the way I thought it should be done. Children don’t need praise for doing things right, they need to be held accountable when they do things wrong. Turns out that’s backwards. It’s time to turn things around for children. Here’s why:

– Focusing on the negative rewards the wrong thing. The reward children want above all else is attention. So when we scold for behavior we don’t want and stay silent about the behavior we do want, we are rewarding the exactly the wrong thing.
– Focusing on the positive draws you closer to your children. Praise, complements and “thank yous” tend to draw you toward the person offering them. They say “Hey, I notice you and I like what I see.” Of course you want to move toward that. Scolding tends to be cut off further interaction or sets up a chain of negativity.
– Focusing on the positive models a healthy “attitude of gratitude.” It helps us find a way through difficult times and can lead to happier, more meaningful interactions. Focusing on the positives in your child’s behavior is a great way to model this.

Of course, there are times you will scold your child. It’s a tool you may sometime need to use – but it shouldn’t be the first one you reach for. While you’re making the switch to focus on the positive, remember to reward yourself too. Focus on the times you get it right. Thumbs up, parents.

If you’d more on this topic here are the folks who wrote the book on it, literally: https://howardglasser.com/about-nurtured-heart-approach/